From the surface markers that cover the outside of cell membranes to Brad Pitt’s high cheek bones, the human body is magnificent. Depending on the input, the output of the body, like a well oiled machine, can be predicted. Let’s get personal.
My high school years were filled with afterschool baseball practice, and college has seen the start of my culinary endeavors. Throughout these times, I’ve exercised and kept a close watch on my nutritional intake. "Okay, Wendy’s was last night’s dinner. Tonight should be a salad or pasta." Similar thoughts are what run through my head concerning food. No calorie counts.
Here's the tie-in:
Tonight, as I sat down to begin studying, my stomach began to grumble and quiver in an uncharacteristic fashion. Having made the study of life and the human body my preoccupation for the last 3 ½ years, I thought it best to figure out what was going on. I had just eaten, so it wasn’t in need of more food. The menu choice had been from a Japanese restaurant, but the entrée was American. It consisted of a salad, fried pork, shrimp, and, AHA!, miso soup. Miso soup generally consists of miso paste, kelp or seaweed, and tofu—the culprit.
Tofu! One of the many bizarre novelties from the Orient, tofu is a type of bean curd made from the coagulation of soy milk. Perhaps, our inordinate and unproved disliking of the whitish cube can be traced back to Louis Pasteur in instituting the Western norm of pasteurization, a drastic and unapologetic move to maintain the superiority of French haute cuisine. In researching the origins of tofu, I came upon some subjectively interesting information. Supposedly, the production of tofu coincided with the spread of Buddhism. The bean curd provided a high source of protein and fueled the Buddhist’s strictly vegetarian diet, as both Buddhism and tofu began to move West.
Pondering the delights of eating meat and the twist at the end of Fight Club, I was stricken as the pieces began to fall into place. It all made perfect sense. Tofu was the source of all of the major world problems. Tofu was provocateur behind the Crusades when the Muslim army intercepted a mysterious letter referring to a “Holy Grail” in Palestine. Only later was the true meaning of the text attributed to the writings of an early Mongolian barbecue-er writing of tofu to his Byzantine cousin. Tofu began the Bubonic plague as Europeans, not being able to stand the curd, threw it into the streets to be battled and emerge victorious against the rodent immune system. Tofu was inside the container Amelia Earhart mistakenly grabbed in haste, thinking it to be cottage cheese, as she set out to cross the Atlantic.
Tofu was the reason my local supermarket ceased to stock Baco-cubes (like bacon bits but juicier), and now tofu’s intolerance was trying to kill me, a white, protestant male. Alas, it’s too late, tofu! Having figured out the source of my malaise through (Adam West-ian) reason, I headed back to my apartment for a glass of Merlot and wedge of parmigiano-reggiano.